Years ago when the girls were younger we watched the movie Inside Out which introduced us (and likely a generation of other parents) to the concept of core memories. Basically a core memory is a defining experience that ends up shaping our lives, personalities, how we view the world, etc. It makes sense, we’re all products of our experiences. Some make bigger impacts than others. What’s tricky as a parent is we never know which ones will really trigger major impacts, versus which ones won’t. I look at the differences between myself and my own siblings, we grew up in the same household and experienced many of the same highs and lows, but like all kids we’ve each turned out differently. So how do we ensure that we’re making the “right” core memories? I think that’s the wrong question. Instead, I think what’s most likely in our control as parents is creating the conditions necessary for as many positive core memories, and trusting the wisdom of life to settle the rest.

This summer we took a Sabbatical as a family where we traveled up the east coast and into Canada, and then back down through the midwest over the course of four weeks on the road. Now, my intention was to create a set of memories that the girls will cherish forever. Specifically, I wanted the girls to look back fondly on our time on the road and love visiting the museums and talking about our history. Or the beautiful grandeur of Niagra Falls… my God, so amazing. Or, I wanted them to remember us singing along to our expertly curated playlist (done by yours truly) and a smile come to their face every time they hear the song Love’s Gonna Pick You Up from the Vivo playlist or On Top of the World by Imagine Dragons. Or, perhaps my favorite thing, in Toronto I loved waking up each morning, looking out my patio window at the pool down below us, and seeing the girls jumping on trampoline. They were so carefree everyday. We all were. No one was worried about work or school or societal challenges (we barely kept up with the news). But here’s the thing, those are some of my core memories.

Since we’ve returned home the girls have been asked by numerous grandparents and aunts and uncles, how was the trip? What did you like most? You know what kinds of things they said? Riley (my oldest) loved having a room with a large bed during one of our early stops in Durham. Who knows if that’s a core memory yet, but what I do know is that she’s repeatedly asked for us to upgrade her twin bed now that she’s a growing teenager. Olivia loved the multiple occasions whether out of necessity or compulsion where all of her siblings had to either share a bed or a room for a brief stop somewhere. She loves a good sleepover, and even better if she can get all the people she cares about in one place and keep them close. London wrote down the name and phone number of each new adult friend she made, friends that we visited, and insisted on adding them to our Sunday family call list. We’ve already called them multiple times since we returned. Sloane, our youngest, has repeatedly asked me to pick her up on my shoulders like I did the entire day we spent in Manhattan, riding the train, walking through Central Park, visiting the museum and finally Times Square. Man she killed my shoulders, but can you imagine the view she must have had of this magical new city from up high?

This trip more than anything taught me just how much is actually out of my control. Sure we had a plan, we prepared and budgeted for things. But very few things went according to our plan, and that ended up being more than ok. The journey itself was the point. Taking this trip gave me permission to also consider other ways I can better curate the conditions for positive core memories in my regular life, with our choices and routines at home. I’m all here for it.

It’s funny, I grew up loving road trips, but I don’t think my siblings share this appreciation. Something in my formative years created core memories where I can picture some key moments in our family van or in the Oldsmobile before that driving across the country. One of my favorite memories is in our van driving through Atlanta at night, it’s raining and we’ve got the back seat folded down into a bed (real vans used to do that back in the day). My younger sisters are cuddled up under blankets. My older brother and I have the Nintendo hooked up to the van TV on the middle row and we’re trying to get my dad to race another van (driven by another family who also had traveled to Atlanta with us). I don’t remember my mom being particularly happy about that, but I do remember my dad speeding up because he was all in for the fun. The way our minds sometimes rewrite history, who knows if all of these details are even accurate (my sisters would be skeptical given my memory of anything). But that doesn’t matter. I’ve been chasing moments like these all my life because it’s rooted somewhere deep inside me that this is what joy with my family is all about.

SDW3