It was 7:00pm yesterday evening and I found myself standing in the wasteland that was formerly my garage. Two hours earlier I’d summoned my daughters to come help me with a “project” that I’d severely underestimated. Now, here I was, seemingly no closer to being done and growing more frustrated by the minute. How did I get here? What am I trying to control outside myself because of a lack of control inside myself? That’s the question I found myself asking last night…

Yesterday was the official start of summer vacation for the kids and it got off to a pretty decent start overall. This weekend we set some intentions as a family for what we wanted to accomplish over the summer and how we wanted to spend our time while home. We also created a schedule that would allow us to respect each other’s space and help the littles know what to expect. Since the pandemic we’ve mostly avoided summer camps, so our girls ranging from now 14 to 6 years of age are pretty much free range. This works for us as long as we set clear expectations and everyone stays out of each other’s way during our prime working hours of 9-3.

The girls mostly did their part. I was the problem. I was a bit out of my routine. I’m not used to them being in my space (I work from home and I enjoy peace and quiet for the most part). My favorite part of the day has been going outside on my back patio in the mornings to plan, write, and take my morning calls. Yesterday, the girls had commandeered that space for their morning project time outside. Riley was trying to finish a summer course on Biology to get ahead in her high school coursework. Olivia was playing catch up from her middle school work. London was working on getting ahead with her third grade core skills. And Sloane, well, she was likely being a distraction (she’s just turned 6). They were all starting to settle into their new summer routine of pursing personal projects and free play.

But my struggle isn’t just about my routine changing. I’m realizing that around this time each year, I go through a bit of a transition fatigue. It already takes me a little while to get used to whatever changes are happening. The month of May (one could say, the December of Spring time), is especially packed with transitions for us. My daughter moved on to high school. I completed a three year commitment to leading a middle school youth group for my church. We celebrated our 19th wedding anniversary along with two kids birthdays and Mothers Day. The campaign ended. Then school let out. Before I was able to fully embrace (or grieve) one transition, we were on to the next one. Nothing seems fully settled around this time of year for me, and that’s hard especially when I feel a sense of broader uncertainty.

Here’s how I experience uncertainty: usually, I’ll figure out what I can control, and really sink myself into that. That works well if it’s a project. It doesn’t work well when I try to control people. I’m so thankful that my family has had patience with me as I’ve learned this lesson the hard way over the years. Sometimes I’ll do things like take on big projects so that I’ll have something I can accomplish and control. That’s how I found myself in the middle of my garage last night, somewhat pleased with my progress, but also disappointed that I dove right in without fully considering the context of the decision. It took me a minute, but I figured it out. I usually do.

Control is a funny thing. We fool ourselves into thinking that we can control outcomes, when in reality, the only thing we can control is how we respond to circumstances. At our best, we can leverage our sense of self control to show up to our lives with more compassion. At our worst, we can create more chaos and turmoil for ourselves and others as we try exert unnecessary control in outward directions. Here’s to asking the question (courtesy of my wife of course), what am I trying to control outside myself because of a lack of control inside myself? May it save us from the tyranny of ourselves and each other.

SDW3