What does “adulting” mean exactly? That’s the question that my daughter and her high school friends were tasked with explaining during their first quest of the school year. For those unschooled, a quest is a learning adventure, a key feature of self directed learning. I was particularly intrigued about this quest because as a parent of a tween and teenager, it feels like necessary preparation. But, I’m also concerned about what I’ve seen from younger millennial and Gen-Z adults. Is adulting really as complicated and difficult as it seems to have become in their eyes? Or are we (older adults, parents, broader society, the media), blowing this whole adulting thing out of proportion? Here’s what I know, learning to be, do, learn, and live together aren’t just nice to haves for our students. I think it’s also fertile training ground for growing up into adulthood.

To demonstrate their learning about “adulting” the high schoolers staged an exhibition where they acted out elements of the difficulties of adulting. This was followed by thoughtful conversation in small groups with parents and students discussing topics ranging from communication, finances, toxic relationships, and childhood traumas. It got deep.

One theme that resonated with the high schoolers was the idea that “adulting” really is just an extension of being human. As one teen put it, we all deal with similar types of issues, it’s just our responsibilities change as we get older. Right now, they’re learning to be, which means they’re developing an awareness of their values, interrogating their beliefs, and building a worldview that will shape how they make decisions and interact with others. This level of self-awareness is foundational to “adulting”. In fact I’d argue that most “adults” haven’t done the necessary inner work to know what they believe, why they believe it, and how their values influence their decision-making. This is what often causes inner turmoil for us adults, and our kids now have a head start in this lifelong journey of self-discovery.

Another theme that resonated was one I offered, which is that regardless how hard we may try, we still end up somewhat like our parents. It took me a while to figure out that one. It got a few laughs (and maybe eye rolls from my own daughters). It’s not all bad though, and in fact it can be good news if we do the necessary work to heal generational traumas. It can also be good news if we model virtues like openness, flexibility, and grace, topics that came up often last night. If we want our kids to be resilient, they need to see us fail and recover. If we want our kids to be accepting of themselves and others, they need to see us embracing the same openness and curiosity. Don’t get me started on grace… How often do we ask our kids for forgiveness or even extend forgiveness to ourselves and others?

When my kids were younger, I realized they were watching me to learn. Even before they could speak or walk, most of their learning happened through mimicry. The same is still true. Our kids are paying way more attention to what we do than what we say. If we make “adulting” seem terrible through our modeling of responsibility then guess who will be terrified? If we refuse to address our own inner turmoil or deal with the legacies of the past, then guess whose future our trauma will show up in? We can’t control the type of adults our children will become, but we can provide a holistic, authentic, and inspiring example of our own adulthood. It might just be the best thing we can do for them.

SDW3