In a few days, our family will make the trek two hours up I-85 to South Carolina with our four kids and my younger sister in tow. We’ll spend a full day on a whirlwind tour of visiting family members, first at my grandmother’s house where we’ll see my mom, grandma, and uncle. At some point my other sister will join us, perhaps with a few of her children. Then, after a day of activities, we’ll head over to my dad’s house where we’ll spend time with my nieces, nephews, and their children. Sometimes my older brother will also make an appearance. By then, our full day has stretched into the evening and it’s almost time to head home. Chances are, we’ll miss out on seeing a few additional relatives, extended family who I grew up with, but with each passing year I see less often. If we’re lucky, we’ll be on the road back to Atlanta, home in bed by midnight. It’s a marathon of family engagements condensed into a sprint, and each year for multiple holidays we do it. Why? I get to combine two things I love: traveling and spending time with my family. But, I recognize this isn’t for everyone. There’s a cost to traveling over the holidays with family. Here’s why it works for us, even though that wasn’t always the case.

Traveling during the holidays was easier when it was just Samantha and I. For the first five years of our marriage, we could arrive as the fun childless uncle and aunt with little to worry about. I still remember the relative freedom of driving up to Baltimore for Christmas Eve and whisking from one family member’s house to the next. It was fun, it was tiring, but I always seemed to find time to rest either during or after the trip. Things changed in 2010 when we had our first child. Suddenly traveling came with lots of luggage. It was harder to move around from place to place. We had to be more thoughtful about where we stayed, how long we stayed in a place, and that meant some interesting conversations with family members. (Sorry grandma… your house is way too hot for my pregnant wife and I to sleep there anymore.. day trips for us from now on!).

Even though I’m typically the person who wants to keep family traditions going, I secretly wanted to be home, comfortable in my own house for the holidays. After our second daughter was born I got my wish. We stopped traveling for Christmas. After our third daughter was born, we stopped traveling for Thanksgiving as well. Then, after our fourth daughter was born, we stopped traveling altogether. Sike, not quite. By the time Sloane came along, we had figured a few things out about our traveling routines. Now we love to travel generally, and we do it a lot. But, our girls are also 6, 9, 12, and 14. It’s a lot easier to travel with people who can hold their own bags and entertain themselves. In the early years, it was a bit of a nightmare, primarily because we lacked a few key elements. Over time, we’ve learned to plan our travels in a way that maximizes what we want most out of our traveling experience: family bonding time making memories with as little friction as possible. Here’s a few lessons we’ve learned:

We set expectations before the trip begins. When our kids were younger, we would decide where to stay, how long to stay at a place, and how many places to visit all for the sake of maintaining that delicate balance of grouchy infants/toddlers and grumpy adults. Now, we talk about upcoming trips with the girls and get their input. We also make it clear what we’re doing, where we’re going, how long we plan on staying, etc. They always have a lot of questions, but having these conversations up front allows us to manage expectations.

We check-in regularly during the trip. This is more about managing our own energy than anything else. Last time while in Anderson my wife had an allergy attack that totally took her out. Even though we were having a good time, it became clear that we needed to cut our trip short so she could get back home. So we did.

We recruit help. As a larger family, we rarely travel without either grandma or an aunt with us. (We learned this lesson early!) That’s been our motto since the girls were little. It comes in handy in an airport for keeping children entertained, or simply having extra eyes and hands for carrying things around. Now, as the kids are older, we still enjoy the extra company of an additional family member, even if it’s just for the little ones.

We build in time to rest. Family trips are decidedly not vacations (at least for me they’re not). It’s about connection and as I get older, somehow there seems to be more emotional labor involved. That’s why we no longer travel on the actual holidays. And, it’s why we’ve shortened our trips to visit family. After we return, we give ourselves time to recuperate.

I’m learning to let things go. This is more of a me lesson (and one that is still very much in progress). While I do love traveling to visit family, it’s also a trigger for some of my worst instincts if I’m not careful. I can over plan, over schedule, and try to cram too much into our trips. Or, in my attempts to make sure everything goes smoothly, I end up creating unnecessary tension when something inevitably goes wrong. Usually this happens when one of my siblings isn’t where they said they would be, when they said they would be there.

But, at my best, when I remember the reason why we gather, I’m more inclined to simply stay in the moment. My wife does this really well. It’s why she’s rarely disappointed about who doesn’t show up to a family function. She’s just grateful to spend time with those who made the trip, and she makes the most of that experience. I’m learning that family gatherings don’t have to be as high stakes as we make them out to be. The magic is in simply being together. I look back fondly on family functions from my childhood, that’s probably why I’ve decided to carry on the tradition with my kids. My hope is that as the girls become adults with their own lives, they too will want to gather together and it’ll be not out of compulsion, but devotion to each other.

SDW3