There I was, ball in my hands with our team up 1 point. This was certainly an unusual circumstance, usually I don’t bring the ball up court (my ball handling skills could be better). Still, I’d played a pretty good game thus far scoring almost half of our team’s points. The first bucket was on a layup put back. I just happened to be at the right place in the right time. My next bucket was on a wide open three pointer. I’m streaky, but dangerous from outside. Now, I had an opportunity with the ball in my hands to actually win the game. So what happened next? Rather than passing the ball to one of our better players, I decided to drive to the basket. This was another unusual choice, I rarely drive the ball to the basket due to my size (I’m the smallest by far on the court), lack of ball handling skills, and did I mention my size? But, something inside me said, go ahead. I dare you to take that shot.

I surprised myself (and my teammates) with how quickly I blew past my defender to the rim only to be met by another imposing player. I felt good about the ball as it left my hands, and held my breath as it bounced off the rim. While standing in frustration and disbelief under the basket, the other team was already sprinting downcourt and scoring on a fast break initiated by my poor transition defense. We ended up losing that game by one point.

Every Sunday evening I get together with a group of dads from my daughter’s school and we hoop for a few hours. It started out as a group of us who would get together and walk after drop offs in the morning. It evolved into a basketball crew of mostly over 40 dads looking to stay in shape. Some of us are pretty competitive. Some of us (myself included), are just happy to be a part of the game. This weekly time has turned into my own personal haven for the past year. I can spend all week carrying the weight of all the roles, husband, father, leader, but when I step into the gym on Sunday’s I get to just be me. I smile more and I laugh easily. It’s more than just a place where I can go to blow off steam. It’s become a refuge where I can also learn about myself.

For example, I realized this past week that I’m probably the least vocal or emotionally expressive person on the court. One dad even commented on my particular silence this week during a game. Meanwhile everyone else is so expressive. I admire this about most of the guys. The way they can let out a scream when they make a bucket, or how quickly a debate about a foul can escalate and then de-escalate in a matter of seconds. No one on the court seems to be afraid of expressing themselves. It’s made me more curious about my own silence, and examining the patterns that show up in my other relationships and spaces I find myself. And as for that out of character drive to the basket… well even though the shot didn’t go in, I’m proud of myself for taking it. Truth be told, I’ve been telling myself a story about the kind of player I am and limiting the risks I’m willing to take on the court. As I head into 2025, I’m moving into a season where I’ll need to be more comfortable shooting my shot, on and off the court. I might as well practice in the low stakes game of basketball.

In talking with more than a few of my friends who are also fathers, I’ve come to realize that most of us aren’t finding our places where we can learn about ourselves and take low-stakes risks. This lack of an outlet shows up in our health, relationships, and even self confidence. My hope this year is that every parent, and in particular fathers, find this much needed space. I’ve found that it not only makes me a more conscious parent, but it’s done wonders for my stress, mental health, and self confidence.

SDW3