I’m a curious dad, so from time to time I corner my daughters and their friends to do some original investigation about what’s going on in their lives. I try to keep it light, but I think by now the girls friends know me as the dad who asks questions.

Usually they’re big, opened ended questions like, so, what are you doing with you life?

But every now and then, I’m curious about something specific.

The other day I ran into my oldest daughter Riley coming out of the donut shop with one of her high school classmates, and I saw my moment. I had two questions. First, I wanted to know why more of her classmates hadn’t registered for the AP African American Studies course. Second, and more important, I wanted to know how high school was going for them right now.

While I wasn’t particularly trying to change anyone’s mind about the course, I was curious to see if it was even on their radar. One of her more socially and politically conscious friends remarked, well we can tell this is important to you, look at your sweatshirt.

Well played! (At the time I was wearing my: Black History is American History swag).

In her case, she explained that she was focused on a dual-enrollment path that didn’t leave much room for AP classes, though she said she was still considering it. Reasonable answer, so I moved on to the next question.

The real conversation started when I asked how school was going overall… and y’all, I wasn’t ready! The first thing they said, without hesitation, was that they were completely overwhelmed. One of Riley’s friends even mentioned she’s been trying to get my daughter to stop working through lunch and actually take a break. Both of them talked about mental health with a level of sophistication that caught me off guard. It was clear they were self-aware, reflective, and actively searching for strategies to cope.

Then they turned the question on me.

Weren’t you overwhelmed when you were our age?

That’s a tough one, because if I’m being honest, my circumstances were completely different. They’re overwhelmed by choice and flexibility, and they’ve put so much pressure on themselves to succeed against their own bar. I was definitely carrying a lot of pressure and weight of expectations to succeed, but a lot of my stuff was external pressures. I worked multiple jobs to help support my family, I felt the burden of expectations to succeed from my grandmother and mom who were sacrificing so much for me already. And I didn’t have a lot of choices or flexibility for that matter. I just had to learn how to push through.

The collateral damage of that approach didn’t show up right away. Over time, I became desensitized to my own experience. I had to learn how to pay attention to my emotions as an adult. (Parenting will definitely speed that process up.) So when I look at my daughters, I’m proud of them. Proud that they’re learning better language, better tools, and better coping mechanisms than I ever had at their age. I just pray that it is enough for these times we’re living in.

SDW3