Lately I’ve been reading King: A Life by Jonathan Eig and it’s proven to be quite the compelling inside look at the life of being Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. What has surprised me most, though maybe it shouldn’t, is how much of a daily struggle his life appeared to be for those closest to him. Accounts from friends, along with revelations from illegally recorded wiretaps, reveal a man often in deep conflict with himself. In conversations with his inner circle, King frequently talked about needing a break from it all. His friends worried about his mental health, at a time when that wasn’t really a topic people discussed openly.
At different moments he’s described as severely depressed. There are even documented instances of him checking himself into the hospital to deal with sheer exhaustion from the weight of being Dr. King.
At one point, a friend trying to encourage him to cut himself some slack says, God damn it, you’re Christ-like, not Christ! But it didn’t seem like he could find it within himself. Here was a man so tormented by his own failings and the burden of unreasable expectations, that he literally felt like there was no where he could turn to. To me that seems like a lonely existence.
Recently I was reminded of that idea while watching the show How to Die Alone. The main character, Melissa, is a broke 35-year-old Black woman working as a baggage handler at JFK Airport. She’s trying to figure out her life and her love life, and in the ultimate irony, she’s afraid of flying. After a near death experience she gets a renewed view on life and she starts to take new risks, including booking her first trip and deciding to pursue the love of her life. Along the way, she learns who her real friends are, and who she can really count on as she tries to grow into the next version of herself.
At one point, she’s at a bar having a conversation with her older problematic brother after catfishing him and trapping him in a lie (it’s a long story). He starts to complain how he’s carrying so much of the weight of being strong for everyone else in his life (his mom, his wife, his kids, his siblings… etc), he just needed an outlet for himself. His sister starts to say, but you could have come to me for support… But he interrupts and reminds her, you aren’t my friend. You’re my dependent. To which she couldn’t really respond because it was kind of true. But what was she supposed to do? Just sit there and watch him self-destruct because he was having a meltdown?
I suspect, there’s a third way.
Most of us who present as “strong” do so because either the world expects us to or we’ve been conditioned by life, gender, religion, etc to do so. But the truth is, no one is strong all the time. There are times when our confidence is high and it’s easier to show up with a sense of resilience in the face of obstacles.
And there are other times when it feels like one more thing will push us right over the edge.
When that happens, what really matters is our ability to expand our capacity, and there are a few ways that happens. Sometimes capacity comes our way, through the guided hand of God to help meet a need we didn’t realize we had. That looks like a friend calling and offering help before even being asked. Or it looks like an answered prayer when we didn’t know how things would work out.
Other times, it’s on us to go looking for ways to meet our capacity needs. This looks like reaching out and asking for help when we recognize we’re in trouble. It requires a high level of awareness, emotional intelligence, and humility. One of my good friends is really good at this. We check in regularly, but every now and then, he’ll reach out and say, hey, I’m really struggling with something. Can we talk? It’s been a model that I’ve been able to reciprocate when I’m going through a tough time too.
Our capacity is nothing more than a reflection of our humanity. We’re human beings with limits, but those limits don’t have to define us. Our capacity grows when we’re willing to draw on energy beyond ourselves, through faith, friendship, and community. As long as we remember that, we can always expand.
So, check on your strong friends today and offer your capacity.
And if you’re in need of additional capacity of your own, reach out and let someone know. Because you and everyone around you benefits when you’re at your best.
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everyday fatherhood 