I grew up on the do as I say, not as I do implicit type of parenting. You know the phrase, because I said so? Well, parents (and really authoritarians of any kind) use it often. What’s fascinating though is just how much our children actually pay more attention to what we do, rather than what we say. If your kids are like mine, eventually they begin to notice discrepancies in your words and your behavior, and then they begin to call you on it. This isn’t a bad thing by the way. We’re trying to raise intelligent, thoughtful people who aren’t simply rule followers for the sake of a rule, but who have the discernment to know how to make good decisions for themselves. That requires a more intentional type of parenting, one that my wife and I have been learning to embrace as our girls have gotten older.

When the kids were younger, it was just simply easier to tell them to do something without explanation. Sometimes there was an imminent danger involved, or perhaps the explanation was too complicated. The truth is, more often than not, we were simply being lazy and perhaps robbed them of the opportunity to develop their own opinions. Or, we were so busy trying to get them to do something, we (meaning mostly me, my wife is way better at this than I am), forget to consider the kind of person we’re trying to raise. Is it more important for them to do something or be something? I say it’s more important to be things like a leader, compassionate, etc.. but I I don’t consistently emphasize that through my behavior by giving them the opportunity to do so on their own.

Case in point, even little things like how we handle our morning routines reveals so much more about what we really think and feel, rather than simply what we say. Every morning after breakfast I’ll bark for the girls to go upstairs and brush their teeth, put on deodorant, make up their beds, wash their faces, etc. It’s a lot to say, but I find that now it just rolls off the tongue without me even thinking about it. Meanwhile, just as easily as I say it, they ignore it. Without fail at least 2-3 people come back downstairs having skipped one or more of my directives. Usually this leads to a frustrated response on my part and by the time they’re out the door for the morning, very few of us are in a good mood. It’s predictable by now that this is going to happen.

Yet, if I paused long enough to consider how I really want my daughters to feel, or even how I want them to lead their lives, I probably wouldn’t respond the way I do. Instead, I would have a calm conversation with them once, and then figure out ways to allow the natural consequences to work themselves out until they ultimately decide to shift their own behavior. I say I trust them with my words, but my actions demonstrate otherwise. I call them leaders, but I don’t give them enough opportunities to prove to themselves what type of leaders they want to be.

This morning after catching my youngest in a blatant lie, I was reminded of the type of father I want to be. She said she’d already brushed her teeth and of course she hadn’t yet… I knew that without even seeing the toothpaste still on her toothbrush. I didn’t believe her before I even had any evidence. It turned out that I was right (I mean come on, she’s 5 and I know my daughter), but I didn’t feel good about it. Samantha (my wife) handled it brilliantly, telling her that she can always tell us the truth. That’s a classic example of my wife modeling empathy both in words and actions. Sloane replied, ok mommy. I can tell you the truth. But I can’t tell daddy the truth because there will be consequences. Out of the mouth of babes as they say, right?

When she thinks of me do I want her to primarily associate me with consequences? Or, do I want to lose the ability for her trust me at 5 simply because I’m not yet consistently modeling empathy? Parenting is hard, and I constantly beat myself up for missing the mark. But this same level of openness, flexibility, and grace that I’m working on extending to myself I need to also be thinking about how to extend to my family, particularly my daughters. It’s a journey. Fortunately, it’s not one I’m traveling alone. I have an amazing parenting partner and, to their credit, kids who accept my apologies.

Usually when I miss my own mark, I go have a talk with them (Carl Winslow style) and try to work it out. So, as I’m buckling Sloane in this morning I told her I heard what she said to mommy. She balked and responded, What? I didn’t say that… But I told her it’s ok. I want her to know that she can always tell me anything, even if it’s difficult. And I’ll try to be better with my reactions. She seemed skeptical, but perhaps open. One of her older sisters gave me a hug (London) as if to say, we know you’re working on it dad. Good thing these people are resilient.

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